HIS LOSS - Bull Arti

” Selena I can’t talk right now, she’s around” My husband spoke in a hushed tone.

I wanted to scoff but I was pretending to be asleep. Then again he does not deserve my consideration, I turned around slowly to face him and I opened my eyes.

The shock was evident on his face, he was clearly caught off guard. ” Umm I’ll be there in a few hours” he said as he visibly swallowed. I got off the bed and walked into the bathroom. I turned on the sink and sobbed. After three years i thought It would stop hurting but it didn’t.

“Good Morning Selena ” My husband greeted with a wide smile as I reappeared from the bathroom. Yes, my husband’s mistress and I have the same name. Well he doesn’t have to worry about saying her name during coitus. Why even bother, he stopped touching me years ago. I didn’t understand why till I figured out he was cheating. At least he’s faithful to her.

“Morning” I greeted with a tight lipped smile. No matter how I beg myself to hate him, I still love him and I hate myself for that. He does not deserve me, but my heart doesn’t seem convinced.

I walked out of the room with one destination in mind; my daughter’s room. She’s five years old. And she was the only person keeping me sane in this farce of a marriage. She was still asleep but she had to go to school so I shook her gently to wake her.

“Mummy ” she mumbled before rubbing her eyes with the back of her palm. I smiled and kissed her forehead. She’s so cute. I picked her up and she clung to my neck, burying her face where my neck met my shoulder. Her breath tickled which caused me to laugh.

“You have to wake up baby” I crouched down, trying to get Mariana to stand. I named her Mariana because I loved the name and also because I could get alot of nicknames from the name. When she finally decided to stand on her own two feet, I got her ready for the day.

“Mummy I don’t want to go to school” she whined as I carried her downstairs. I had to feed her and drop her off. Barry barely even acknowledges her existence sometimes, obviously he wanted a boy.

“Daddy” she screamed excitedly. Barry did not return the enthusiasm, he was already dressed for “work”.

“Hey Ana ” he said weakly before focusing his attention on me. ” I will be working late today”.

When are you not? I wanted to say but I held my tongue and gave a nod.

“Love you” he said and exited the house. He says it every day before leaving for “work” and ever since I caught him with Selena I have never said it back. But he doesn’t notice, if he does he has never bothered to ask me about it.

He doesn’t love me yet I loved him so fiercely.

THREE YEARS AGO

‘I hope this works out’ I thought as I drove to my mother’s house to drop off Mariana. I wanted to surprise Barry for our anniversary. A night without Mariana to interrupt us. I had it all planned, I even bought a lingerie.

I just had to prepare his favourite meal, clean the house and set the table for our romantic dinner. I also had a playlist of songs ready. I was so excited. Finally doing something like this after a long while.

I made a show this morning telling him how I wanted to spend the night with my mom because I missed her and I acted as if I had forgotten our anniversary. How can I possibly forget the second best day of my life. My wedding day. Although now that I think about it, he also seemed to have forgotten. Well I can’t possibly judge him, the man doesn’t even remember his own birthday.

My phone rang. It was my Barry. I was smiling like a mad woman. “Hey” I said softly.

“Hey baby, are you there yet?” He asked sweetly. I wanted to squeal, how did I get so lucky?

“Not yet, I’ll be there soon. I miss you already”

“Oh my love, I miss you more. Work is killing me and I need to hold you” he confessed.

“I’ll be home tomorrow as soon as I can” I promised. I can’t wait to see his reaction when he comes home to find me in Victoria secret. I bit my lip in anticipation.

“Okay love I’ll be waiting” he sighed dejectedly. “Love you” he added.

“I love you more”

“Impossible” he said which caused me to laugh. We hung up and I kept grinning to myself.

I dropped off Mariana. My mom somehow decided to live two hours away with bad traffic on the way everytime, and now I was already running late and cooking was only going to take more time so I decided to buy food from our favourite restaurant. I rushed home and suprisingly Barry’s car was outside.

My heart fell to my stomach. My surprise was ruined. I quietly went in and placed the item in the kitchen. My playlist for tonight was booming. Well that will no longer be a suprise. I knew I should have hidden the mp3 player.

I went upstairs towards our bedroom, perhaps Barry was sleeping.

“Come to me Selena, I need to feel you”

I heard Barry’s voice declare.

A blush immediately overtook my features. He missed me that much?? Well it’ll be best I grant him his wish. I rushed downstairs to the laundry room where I hid my lingerie and put it on. I raced back upstairs.

“I’m all yours” I heard another voice say. It was a woman. A soft voice obviously trying to sound sexy. The voice made my head ache. It didn’t take long before I started hearing sounds I shouldn’t be hearing from my bedroom while I’m outside and my husband inside.

I felt like the greatest fool alive.

Doing this in my house, in my bed and my own d*mn playlist. I choked on my tears and rushed downstairs. I hastily wore my clothes, took the food I brought and left.

As I parked in front of my mother’s house I received a text from him.

“Happy anniversary. I love you”

He didn’t forget.

PRESENT DAY

The dinner table was awkwardly silent. Nobody spoke, only the sound of silverware could be heard.

“Remember the project I was telling you about?” Barry asked as he shoved a spoon full of rice rice into his mouth. He was trying to fill in the silence and I think he succeeded.

He doesn’t talk to me about work anymore. He was mistaking me for the other Selena.

“You don’t talk to me about work”

He choked.

“Daddy here” Mariana said hurriedly trying to hand him her glass of water. She sought his attention more than anything in this life, more than toys and it broke my heart that she never got it.

As expected, Barry ignored her and poured himself water. I took the water from Mariana and thanked her before taking a sip. She looked so sad but she managed to offer a small smile. Her little heart was breaking and this is where I draw the line.

“Mari baby can you go to your room? I’ll be up in a minute” I said calmly. She nodded and looked at her father “Good night Daddy” she mumbled and raced to her room. I knew she was going to cry.

“You have to stop treating Mariana like she doesn’t exist” I snapped immediately I heard Mariana’s door close.

“Don’t even start. I am not in the mood for your hassle” he said annoyed.

There he goes again mistaking me for someone else. I have never nagged or fought with the fool, I was so stupidly in love and I let him have his way in everything. I didn’t want to give him a reason to leave me, yet somehow being a good woman to him wasn’t enough.

“Are you mistaking me for someone else Barry? Because in our twelve years of marriage I have never snapped at you” I reminded him.

He eyes bulged and he swallowed seeming to realize I was saying the truth. Then his expression changed to one of anger.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t know how you do it but even in your silence you do a lot of nagging” he snapped.

I laughed. I actually laughed. I was married to a fool. A big giant fool.

“Are you hearing yourself Barry?”

“Yes I am. And you know what I’m saying. Always manipulating me with your stupid good woman act. We never fight Selena, you’re just too d*mn good for that” he said hotly.

It was like he was waiting for an opportunity to fight with me. Really? Me being good to him made me the villain in his book. All the compromises I made for him crossed my mind and I felt like a simpleton.

“Just please stop ignoring your daughter” I begged weakly. I had already lost the fight before it begun. I wanted to cry and I didn’t want him to see me cry.

“Ha!! Isn’t this rich. I should stop ignoring my daughter? That child isn’t my daughter!” he yelled at me.

My hand moved on it’s own and I slapped him.

THREE YEARS AGO

It has been a week since I found out my husband had a mistress. The revelation opened my eyes to a lot of things I ignored before. He checked off all the signs of a cheating spouse. He returned one day with a lipstick stain on his collar. It was as if he was trying to be caught or his mistress wanted him to be caught. I washed his shirt without confronting him about it. I couldn’t, I wasn’t ready to leave or forgive him.

I was eating away my feelings while watching Korean drama. It was the perfect therapy for me. I was in sweatpants and tank top just enjoying an evening alone. Mariana was asleep.

My husband came back home with a guest. A very beautiful, tall and slender woman. Her obviously fake hair was packed in a bun and she was dressed in a suit. Her skirt was way above her knee to be appropriate for a secretary.

My husband brought home his “secretary”Selena. He wanted me to me meet her. I still don’t know why.

“Hello” I nearly choked on my word. I wanted to crumble.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Barry has told me so much about you” she said. Even her voice was perfect. Better than that stupid sexy voice she was trying to do last week.

Had I not overheard her activities with my husband, I would have been fooled by her fake sincerity. I nodded and looked at Barry questioning him with my eyes. What was she doing here?

“Well um I wanted you to meet her you know, so we could all get acquainted seeing as she works for me and you have the same name” he explained horribly and Selena number two giggled at his horrible

same name absolutely dry joke.

The other Selena started eyeing me when I didn’t laugh as they were expecting. She almost looked disgusted and when I caught her eye she gave me a smile. A very fake one.

“How about we have dinner??” Barry announced with a nervous laugh. Selena clearly forced him to bring her here when I would be around. If she was expecting a jealous wife display then she’ll be greatly disappointed.

I knew for sure I wasn’t going to feed the mistress. “I’m not hungry” I said as softly as I could and pointed to my tub of ice cream.

Barry looked trapped. He didn’t know what to do. He scratched the back of his neck and sat down before gesturing Selena to sit as well.

She sat in total silence for five minutes looking at the TV before Selena abruptly stood up. “I should get going ” she announced giving me a fake smile.

“Sure. Drive safe” I said and started manipulating my phone looking desperately for a meme to cheer me up. Korean movie wasn’t enough anymore.

“I don’t have a car so Barry is dropping me off ” she announced happily looking at me intently. I know she was waiting for a reaction.

“K” I said looking her straight in the eye. My expression was blank but I was dying inside.

She was stunned but she didn’t say anything. She walked away, Barry following closely behind her.

“I’ll be back soon” he announced awkwardly and left.

The next month he bought Selena a car.

PRESENT DAY

After our first fight, Barry moved out. I knew he was looking for a reason to leave me. A reason to fight so he could move out. It was easier to tell people he moved out because we fought than saying he moved out because we never do.

I thought I’d cry when he left. I waited for the tears but nothing came. Instead I sighed in relief but my heart was still heavy.

I went to Mariana’s room and she was still awake sobbing quietly. “You fought because of me” she blamed herself.

“No baby, don’t say that. Mariana this isn’t your fault at all” I explained but she wasn’t convinced at all. She kept crying and I comforted till her cry turned to hiccups. Soon she fell asleep and I held her and we went to sleep together. Not once did I cry that night.

The next morning Barry was back packing up some of his stuff in a duffle bag. I completely ignored him as I made breakfast for my daughter. It was Saturday and I let her sleep in. She deserved it after crying herself to sleep.

“You’ll he hearing from my lawyers about a divorce” he informed me as he came downstairs.

I turned off the stove and turned to actually look at the swine I married.

” So you get to cheat on me and threaten me with a divorce?” I asked flatly.

He looked shocked. “You knew ” he wasn’t asking so I didn’t bother giving a response.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Most women would burn the house down if they found out their husband was cheating on them but what does miss goody two shoes do? She acts like nothing happened ” he mocked and laughed maniacally.

I was stunned. I didn’t have anything to say, I couldn’t say a word. But a tear did run down my eye.

“Stop it with the crocodile tears Selena. You knew all this while. I’ve been cheating for six years yet you didn’t even confront me. Aren’t you a mad woman??” He boomed.

How is he turning this on me? He had no right to be angry. He cheated. And for six years??? I thought he had been cheating for only three years and somehow I was hoping he would change. Six years!! Half of our marriage.

I clutched my heart and seemed to be beating painfully. I gasped for air and held the kitchen island for support.

” Six years?” I choked out. The tears were uncontrollable now.

He seemed taken aback. “For how long have you known?” He asked like it was completely normal for him to ask. I picked up my phone to call my lawyer but I decided to get evidence first so I just put on sound recording. Our divorce is going to be a war.

“How long have I known? Should you be cheating on me on the first place??” I yelled at him.

He flinched but that didn’t stop the painful response that left his mouth.

” How could I not cheat? What do you offer Selena? He called my name with so much hate.

“You’re fat and ugly, I mean look at yourself. To make it worse you’re so boring. Selena we’re not in the 17th century, you’re still shy to see me naked. You think it’s cute? It’s like being involved with a child. Don’t get me started on your miss perfect act. Always cooking, cleaning and doing whatever I ask. Are you even human? It’s like I married a d*mn robot”

This time I punched him.

THIRTEEN YEARS AGO

“I love you so much Selena ” Barry confessed as I signed the cheque. It was a cheque of five hundred thousand dollars. Almost half of my trust fund.

Barry didn’t want to get married till his business has taken off because he wanted to take care of me unfortunately he didn’t have the money required to fund the business.

I had to beg him to allow me to help. I knew he was hard working and he would make good use of the money so the minute he asked, I willingly gave him some money.

For a twenty two year old, Barry was already more than prepared to start a big business. He worked for my dad but he wanted to start his own business and I completely understood. He said working for my dad felt like taking money from his father in law.

We weren’t married. But according to him, I was already his wife.

“You’re so perfect Selena. Your good heart, your innocence, babe your curves,” he said and kissed me which made me laugh.

“You’re the only woman for me” he confessed and pocketed the cheque.

“I promise to love you forever. And

when I have enough money to take care of you, I will marry you babe” he promised.

My heart fluttered. Before Barry came into my life, I hated my body. I wasn’t confident because I was plus size but Barry loved it and I learnt to love it. He made me feel like a princess and I couldn’t ask for a better man.

My father somehow did not like Barry for me. He said Barry was good for business but he wasn’t good for me. My mother supported me so I didn’t heed my father’s words. Somehow in my father’s eyes no one is good enough for me.

Barry made me happy. He didn’t even love me for my money. I had to beg him to help out with money.

Barry was born into a poor family and he struggled a lot with money. He was my father’s second assistant so his salary was obviously not enough for him to take care of his large family. Although he was struggling with money he was always cheerful, always making me happy and helping me get over insecurities I had over my body.

When he asked for help, I knew how hard it was for him to do it. He only asked for a hundred but I gave him five. I wanted him to be happy and he was super excited.

He couldn’t stop kissing me and holding me. He kept mumbling “i love you”

I loved him and couldn’t wait to marry him.

FIVE YEARS AGO

I stared at the bundle of joy in my arms. My mom was beside me holding my hand.

My daughter Mariana was a sight for sore eyes. She looked so much like me, like a mini me. My mother offered endless thanks to God for a successful surgery.

I wanted to give birth the natural way but Mariana came with some complications. She had a gestation period of 368 days.

My husband Barry wasn’t home most of the time. His business was really keeping him busy, when I told him I was pregnant he wasn’t as excited I thought he’d be. But he was happy nonetheless.

He travelled three weeks ago and he wasn’t home yet. He didn’t know I went into labour, it was unexpected.

Barry didn’t even seem bothered I was pregnant longer than usual. Maybe he didn’t want to bring it up seeing as I was distressed by it. He was so considerate, I thought smiling.

“We should call Barry dear” my mother said. I nodded and handed her my phone. She dailed a few times but there was no answer.

“He’s not picking up. Shouldn’t he be readily available to pick your call since he left a pregnant woman at home?” My mom said angrily.

“Ma don’t start okay, just call him again. It must be work holding him” I said. Barry is a very busy man and I understood that.

“Stop giving him excuses. Better don’t tolerate this behaviour from him, or you’ll have to deal with it for the rest of your life” mom advised and continued calling Barry. After five more tries she gave up.

I soon grew tired and fell asleep. When I awoke, Barry was beside me holding my hand. How did he get here so fast? He was two states away.

“I got on the first available flight and came. You did great honey” he said gently rubbing his thumb over my hand soothingly.

I nodded and smiled. ” I named her Mariana” I informed him.

“Her? I thought it was a boy” he said and scrunched up his nose.

“Hey don’t say that, all that matters is that she’s ours. You didn’t see her yet? I asked sitting up.

“You’re right darling. I did, she looked like a boy though” he informed.

I was confused. She looked like me. Like an exact copy of me as a baby and Barry was the one always saying I was a cute girly baby. Maybe he wanted a boy so much that he imagined male features.

He kissed my forehead. His perfume was funny.

“You got a new perfume?” I asked. It seemed feminine.

“Umm yea, I got you one as a push present. It was a suprise now you’ve caught me” he laughed.

“Next time don’t spray it on your self to perceive the scent, your wrist will do” I said and laughed. We held each other just talking about random things before I fell asleep again.

He got me a new perfume as a gift. Even when he was rushing to be here. What a good man.

PRESENT DAY

I threw the perfume bottles into the trash. No use keeping them now. He was with her while I was being cut open to deliver our baby. Not two states away on business, but down town, in the apartment he bought for her. What else did he lie about? Did he ever love me? Do they have a child together? Did she give him the son he wanted? Are they even married? I mean a whole six years.

This whole time, I was using the same perfume as her. Barry must have been having a field three years. Same name, same perfume. No wonder he never smelled different.

What did I ever do the man? I loved him with my whole being. I cut off all my friends for him. I did everything he asked, not once did I nag him. I wore what he wanted me to wear and now that I think of it, he always asked me to wear big clothes, he claimed he didn’t want any man to see my figure. Because it was only meant for his eyes. I think he wanted to drown me in clothes to hide how fat I was. I am just a size 14. Is it that bad?

I pulled up my shirt and scrutinized my stomach. Granted I had stretch marks and a bulge but it wasn’t that bad. I hastily covered my body and took a deep breath.

“Mummy” I heard from behind me

I quickly turned to see my crying daughter. She heard us.

“Hey shh shh, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.” I begged and held her.

“Daddy is bad” she confessed and bawled her eyes out harder.

“No Daddy loves you baby. He doesn’t know how to show it” I said. I didn’t know if I just lied or I spoke the truth.

“Really?” She asked hopefully.

I nodded. Her cries reduced.

“Mommy I’m hungry” she announced after her cries completely died down. I laughed and kissed all over her face causing her to giggle.

“It tickles Mommy” she announced through a fit of giggles.

Without a child to live for, I would have completely lost my mind.

After feeding Mariana we watched a few cartoons, played a few games before we decided to go out for ice cream. Mariana was so happy, and her happiness was contagious. That was until I saw the other Selena at the same Ice cream spot with a Child of about three or four resting on her hips.

I didn’t need a DNA test to know the baby was Barry’s. He was just like his father. Selena noticed my gaze and she smirked.

“How old is he?” I asked.

She wasn’t expecting that question. However she took delight in supplying the answer.

“He’s three. Conceived with your playlist” she taunted. On my anniversary. Had I interrupted, this boy wouldn’t be here. I should have, I thought bitterly.

“Mommy” Mariana called pointing at the ice cream display. I smiled at her then I looked back at Selena. I have never hated a woman so deeply.

I walked around her to get ice cream for my daughter. I heard Selena scoff, she was expecting to get a reaction out of me but I won’t give her the satisfaction.

If she was with Barry for his money, well he is about to be left without a Kobo for her son to inherit.

After crying for about two minutes I was a mess. I dabbed my eyes and went to the front seat. I was about to start the car when my eye caught something on my hood. A card. It must belong to that guy who didn’t know how to mind his business. I wanted to drive away and let the breeze get rid of it for me but my curiosity won.

“Is the car not starting?” Marina asked.

“No everything is fine” I assured her. I looked at the business card, he was a therapist. Dr. David Smith. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. Was this how he got his clients? Scout public places for potential clients. I shoved the card into my pocket, got into my car and drove away.

I didn’t need to make a stop at my house, I drove straight to my mom’s. I didn’t even call ahead, I wanted to see her but I also wished she’d be out. The traffic kept us on the way longer than planned so we had to stop at restaurants to get something to eat and use the convenience.

“Grandma will be so suprised” Mari said happily, her mood picked up after a while. My perfect happy baby. She was happily munching on her sandwich. She was even doing a small dance with her hand and head. She was genuinely happy.

“I know, and you know grandma likes surprises” I responded and she nodded vigorously. I had to hold her head in place to stop which caused both of us to burst out laughing.

“I’m done now mommy” she said shoving the last bit of sandwich into her mouth as we recovered from our laugh. I wiped her mouth and her drink to go.

When we got to my mom’s house, Mariana raced out of the car and ran inside. My mom must have seen us on the security camera because she came outside with arms wide open. Mariana raced into the awaiting hug.

“My grandbaby” my mom said spinning Mari around causing the child to giggle.

“Are you suprised grandma?” Mari asked happily as my mom brought her back down. “I am. What’s the occasion? Did you miss grandma?” My mom said playfully. the look she gave me when she asked for the occasion I knew she knew something was wrong.

“Let’s go inside” I interrupted. Mariana held onto my mom’s hand leading her inside.

Once we got inside I sat silently on the couch watching my mom and daughter talking about anything and everything. Mariana was on my mom’s leg listening intently to the recent story Ma had to tell. It was always a story about Nigeria. If I didn’t know they were lies I would have been blown away. My mom definitely didn’t lead a vigilante.

After a long conversation about life as a vigilante leader, my mom gave Mariana her special jollof. After eating, she fell asleep. I wanted to take her to a room but Ma opted to do it.

I dished my second plate of special jollof. I was eating happily till someone cleared her throat.

“Start talking”

I had to turn off my phone. Barry and his Selena were sending me death threats. They were so pained and I can’t banter words with a pair of morons.

I didn’t need that negativity in my life. Neither did I need this house. The house I called my matrimonial home. It was never a home though, it was just shelter.

“Are we moving back here?” Mariana asked from the couch. Her school was in the area and commuting everyday had me stressed. So I decided we’d spend the night here so she could get to school early without both of us looking like we were forced out of bed. My mom is a very effective human alarm.

“Do you want to?” I asked instead. I hope she says no because I can’t stand this house. The minute I stepped through the door, I felt sad.

“Not really” she said with a pout.

“I’m selling the house then” I informed her.

“Where are we going to live? She asked happily “with Grandma?” She was expecting me to say that, unfortunately I have to burst her bubble this time.

“No, we’ll get a new house. Just the two of us”

I shouldn’t have pointed that out. now she’s going to ask the dreaded questions. She’s used to not seeing her father for months in the name of business trips. She had no idea we were a getting a divorce. I had to sit down for this one. I moved to her and sat quietly waiting for the onslaught of questions.

“Just us?? What about Daddy?” She asked confused.

“Well honey you see, your father and I. Well we are going to be living in a separate house far away from each other forever” I told her. How else do I explain a divorce to a five year old girl?

“You’re getting a divorce?” She asked quietly.

Hold up! What?!

“How do you know what a divorce is?” I was completely shocked.

She honestly brushed off my shock. “Everybody knows what a divorce is” she said in a duh tone.

“When I was five I didn’t” I countered. What do kids discuss nowadays?

“You know that was like a million years ago” she said playfully. My jaw dropped. I quickly pounced on her tickling her mercilessly.

“I’m sorry mommy” she shrieked through her laughter. I finally stopped tickling her. How a serious conversation turned out to be tickling affair I will never know. But I love my daughter. I was expecting the worse.

“So am I going to live in two houses?” She asked as if realising something. Her face looked like she was already heartbroken. I know she’s imagining how her time with her father without me would be like.

“No my love, you won’t. It’s just you and I from now” I stretched out my hand and she came into my embrace.

“So Daddy left us?” She asked almost sadly. If I let her believe that, she might possibly grow up not feeling good enough. That is if she doesn’t think so already. I mean her father ignored her like she was a plague. I wished my response was the truth but it wasn’t. I had to lie.

“No baby, We left him”

Mariana did not say anything. She just sniffed, and gave a nod.

“Will Daddy come back?” She asked softly. Her voice was calm but you could hear she wanted to cry. She definitely didn’t buy my lie.

“We will be fine Mari, I promise” I promised.

“I know. I don’t want Daddy” she mumbled.

“I want a new daddy, can I get a new daddy?” She added sweetly. She raised her head and looked at me, she looked so hopeful.

Well that depends because I don’t plan on getting married again. I didn’t tell her that.

“Of course baby, and he’s going to love you so much and be the best daddy in the world” I told her.

“Really?” A small smile appeared on her face.

“Yes, and he’s going buy you things” I continued giving her false hope.

“I don’t want anything, I just want him to love me ” she said “and play with me” she added as an afterthought.

“He will. Now let’s get dressed and go out. I’m bored aren’t you?” I changed the topic. I am grateful she took it well and didn’t throw a tantrum. She just accepted it.

“I don’t want to” she shrugged and detached herself from me. Before I could even question her, Mariana was already racing to her room.

That means she did not take it well. She closed the door and locked it because I couldn’t get in.

“Mariana” I called softly.

She ignored me, she didn’t say anything back to me. I knocked and called out to her until I couldn’t take it anymore. I rushed to the cabinet in my room and took the keys of the room. I rushed back to the door and opened it.

Mariana was just on her bed, she wasn’t even crying. She just held her teddy bear and was looking at the ceiling.

“Mariana are you okay? Why didn’t you open the door? Why did you even lock it?” I asked sitting at the foot of her bed.

“I don’t want to be here” was her only response.

“Talk to mommy, what do you mean?” I reached for her and pulled her up to a sitting position.

“I don’t like it here, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to see daddy, I want to go back to grandma’s” she said quietly.

“You think your father is going to be wherever we go to just like the ice cream shop?” I questioned, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

She gave a nod. I took a deep breath. Well Barry just bought himself a ticket out of town. If anyone should be scared of going out, it should be him not Mariana but that shameless man has no heart.

“No need to be scared, we can go wherever you want and I will make sure he won’t be there” I promised her.

“I don’t want to mommy, I just want grandma” she wasn’t convinced.

“How about we go house hunting? We’ll buy a new house” going back to my mom to fix her mood will really make me feel like a failure.

“Do you want Jollof rice? I can cook it for you.” I didn’t even wait for her response, I kept naming activity after activity.

“I want a new house” her voice ended my blabbing.

The tightening in my chest loosened up. I was grinning now. “Really? I’ll call an agency and see if we can see some houses today.”

“Okay” she wasn’t even excited. She just wanted me to stop disturbing her.

Mariana was now very distant. The house hunting was an awkward affair, she wasn’t excited at all and I tried my best to make it fun for her. She wasn’t the least bit interested. The agent felt so bad for me, she kept looking at me with those ‘I feel bad for you’ eyes.

I ended up buying a small three bedroom house. Why? Because it was the only house Mariana cared to comment on. Compared to our six bedroom mansion, this house was small. We don’t need a big house anyway.

We moved in after a week, not because we wanted to but the documents on the house had to be finalised and the house had to be refurbished.

Packing was very easy for me, nothing had sentimental value so I put everything up for sale, including my wedding pictures. I only packed personal belongings like clothes, toys, and other stuff. Barry still had some of his things in the house but I didn’t touch them, i did not tell him not to pack his own stuff. Maybe the next owner might keep it or throw it away, I don’t even care. My only care was to get Mariana to open up to me.

My mom offered to talk to her but not over the phone or facetime. She wanted to do it in person and she agreed to come over after we’ve settled in. I always run to my mom, but my own daughter can’t even run to me. It really hurts.

“Are you mad at mommy?” I asked as we ate at our new kitchen table. I prepared coconut rice with fried chicken. I couldn’t replicate my mom’s special jollof so I made her second favourite food.

“No?” Her response sounded like a question. Her attention was on her food.

“You don’t know if you’re mad at me?” I needed a clear answer. This tense relationship was eating me alive.

She paused her movements. “I’m not mad at you mommy” she still didn’t look at me. I couldn’t question her any further. I hope my mom gets here fast because I am about to just start crying shamelessly. Although I know it will work effectively, I think it’s emotional blackmail. I want her to be able to talk to me not pretend to be okay for my sake.

After eating, we went into her room and I proceeded to tuck her into bed and kiss her goodnight. I still couldn’t get used to the tension. I feel like she blames me for everything or this is her way of processing things. I don’t know whether to let her be or to be in her face till she cracks and goes back to her happy self.

I went to to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of wine from the kitchen cabinet and poured myself a drink. After a few cups, my head started spinning. My alcohol tolerance is zero, I get drunk way too quickly. Out of nowhere I started sobbing.

I can handle Barry leaving me but not my daughter too. The thought of Barry made me so angry. That bast*rd, that trashy scum. What did I even see in him??

I should have left him three years ago, I mean what did I gain from staying? It would have been best if Mari did not even know her father instead of being rejected by him. What right did he even have to reject her? He’s the one that deserves rejection. I wanted to scream and pull my hair but I resorted to something else.

I threw the glass in my hand at the wall. Why didn’t I leave? Why didn’t i make his life hell? I picked up the wine bottle and drank. When I emptied the bottle I also wanted to smash it but then my drunk brain remembered Mariana was asleep.

I stumbled outside after grabbing my phone. I wanted so badly to vent my anger but I had no one to talk to.

Soon I found myself making a phone call I would never make in a sober state.

“You bast*rd son of a thousand fathers, the thunder that will fire you is coming from Nigeria. You’re a bast*rd you hear me, a bast*rd. God punish you gold digging goat. Ewu that is what you are, all the money in this life won’t still be enough to buy you sense. Shut up you rat. You think you’re a man? You are a dog let me tell you. Calling you a man is an insult to men, calling you a dog is also an insult to dogs, Barry you are just a big fool, I regret the day I met you and I promise you I will make you rue the day you crossed my path!” I screamed.

In that moment my greatest wish was to be able to put my hand in my phone and give him a dirty slap.

“You think you can do this to me and go scot-free? My God will deal with you. Barry in this life you will see pepper, your eyes will see your ears. You will cry thrice as much as I have, and for hurting my daughter Barry you will be miserable. For as long as you live Barry, you will never know peace” I was so hurt.

After saying my piece I hung up. Of course Barry didn’t just keep quiet and allow me hurl insults at him, he was also insulting me and mocking me. I probably shouldn’t have called him but I really needed to give him a piece of my mind. I ended the call and took a deep breath. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or the call but I felt lighter.

“I knew I recognised you from somewhere” a voice disturbed my momentary peace.Honestly some people have the worse timing.

“Don’t talk to me, I don’t know you, you don’t know me so stop lying.” I called him out on his bullsh*t. I wasn’t in the mood to be nice to anybody, not even my next door neighbour.

“I’m sure I do. Ice cream shop? I gave you my card?” He tried to remind me.

I just ignored him and went inside my house. I wasn’t in the mood to have a conversation with anybody especially not a stranger claiming to know me.

I stumbled into my room and passed out on my bed. I hope tomorrow is better than today.

****

It wasn’t better at all. I had a bad headache and I couldn’t open my eyes properly. I waited a bit for my eyes to adjust to the light and the ache in my head before I opened them fully.

My gaze landed on the clock, it was already nine am. I bolted from my bed and ran to Mariana’s room. She had to go to school today and I overslept.

To my greatest surprise her room was empty.

“Mariana” I called as I went downstairs. She wasn’t anywhere in sight, neither was she answering my call. The mess I made in the kitchen was still there and still no Mariana.

“Mariana” I kept calling as I searched the house. My heart was now in my stomach, I was about to start crying. I rushed outside to continue my search then I saw her.

She was dressed for school but her hair was not combed, neither was her uniform properly tucked in. It was obvious she dressed herself.

What I couldn’t understand was why my daughter was talking to a stranger. I rushed to her pulled her to me. I was both relieved and angry at the same time.

She looked shocked but recovered quickly when she saw it was me. She was even smiling at me.

“Good morning neighbour” the man greeted.

“Why are you talking to my daughter?” Then I realized I was asking the wrong person. “Haven’t I told you not to talk to strangers?” I asked Mariana sharply.

“It’s totally my fault” the stranger interrupted.

“Please mind your business” I told him and dragged my daughter inside.

“I’m sorry mommy, I didn’t mean to talk to him, It won’t happen again” she begged.

She was smiling earlier, now she looked frightful. She didn’t want me to punish her. After a week of seeing her closed off I didn’t want her to go back to that, I wanted her to smile.

“Promise me you won’t do it again” I asked her.

“I promise”

My mom finally came over. She was impressed by the house, and now she was pressurising me to change my wardrobe. In as much as Barry subjected me to big shapeless clothes, I like my style because it is very comfortable.

“You always look like you’re wearing a dress made out of your bedcovers” my mom complained.

“I do not. This is a minimalist style.” I defended myself. My mom rolled her eyes and sipped her coffee.

“Minimalist style indeed. You are a young and beautiful woman, you should be dressing like one. I am your mother yet you dress like my great grand mother”

My mom was seriously dragging me without mercy.

Our bickering was interrupted by my phone. An unknown number was calling and the same number has been calling for nearly a week now.

“Why is this person disturbing me?” I snapped and rejected the call. I was about to block the number but my mom spoke and distracted me.

“Who is the person? Is it your estranged husband? ” my mom asked, it was obvious the word husband left a bitter taste in her mouth.

“It might be, I don’t know” I shrugged. The number called again and my mom encouraged me to pick up. If it’s Barry or Selena number two, I can just hang up.

“Hello?” The voice on the phone was that of woman. Was she waiting for a reply?

“Mmhmmm?” Was my only reply. Just that sound from me prompted her to start talking. She was a nurse and Barry was in an accident, she wanted to inform me and the doctor wants to speak to a family member.

“How does it concern me? What is my business? Don’t you have his Mistress’s number? Why are you calling me? I snapped at the nurse.

“I don’t have another contact info, you’re the only one listed here” the nurse pleaded.

“Check his phone. I don’t bloody care, stop disturbing me. He has insurance to pay the bills, why are you disturbing me?? I hung up immediately without waiting for an answer.

“Who was that?” My mother asked sipping her coffee without breaking eye contact with me.

“Some nurse, Barry got into an accident” I informed her nonchalantly.

“Is he alive?”

I couldn’t tell if she cared or not. Her voice held no emotion at all.

“I didn’t ask. She wants me to come to the hospital, but I’m not going anywhere” I replied. I honestly didn’t care one bit if he dies or lives. It’s his business.

“You know you are still his wife legally right? I told you to get a divorce lawyer and get this over with, you did not listen now you want to become his widow. Any legal issues or debts he has, you can inherit it. Is that what you want for yourself?? Better pray he does not die yet and fix this. You’re not a child and I don’t need to keep reminding you to get a d*mn divorce” my mother snapped. She looked so annoyed and she took it out on the cup. She slammed it down on the table and went to the guest room.

I did not want to imagine the enormous amount of troubles Barry may have that could be passed to me. I quickly called my dad’s lawyer to link me to a good divorce lawyer. He quickly sent me an address and a phone number. I had to go the lawyer’s office to discuss the issue extensively.

Mariana was asleep so I made her dinner and put it in the fridge, I also made food for my mom. I used a sticky note to indicate that there was food in the fridge. Making dinner made me late for my appointment with the lawyer. I had to rush out immediately to meet up.

The meeting was successful, the lawyer agreed to help me, but he advised me to wait a bit for Barry to recover so we could discuss the division of assets. He also encouraged me to do a DNA test to prove Mariana’s legitimacy so she can be entitled to child support and other benefits. Now I had to get Barry’s DNA.

I might go to that hospital after all.

I had to go to the hospital. I called the nurse again and asked for the address of the hospital. She recited the address to me and from the tone of her voice she was obviously beefing me. I don’t blame her, I was really rude. I gave myself some pep talk before finally heading off to the hospital.

At the reception, I just told the nurse I was Barry’s wife which caused me to cringe so hard I almost slapped myself but I controlled myself. she quickly called the doctor in charge of Barry. He accepted to see me because he was not busy. The nurse led me to the office and knocked thrice before we received a response to come in.

He looked up from his computer and I was stunned. He was younger than who I was imagining. He gave me a smile and gestured for me to sit, the nurse left and I was left alone with the handsome doctor.

“You’re Barry’s wife?” The doctor asked. I gave a very slow nod, it physically hurt to admit I was married to an abomination. But I had to play the role of a supportive wife, so I could get into his room and cut some hair.

“It’s a miracle your husband is alive Ma’am. He fought for his life unlike any other patient I have ever seen, obviously he has something to live for” the doctor said with a smile. I smiled back not trying to correct his false impression on who Barry was fighting for. He fought to survive for his mistress and son definitely not me.

“I however have some bad news” the doctor said calmly. My heart dropped to my stomach. Did he die? No he can’t die.

“Is he still alive?” I asked genuinely concerned.

“Yes he is, he is recovering very well” the doctor calmed my nerves. I took a deep breath and relaxed.

“So what is the bad news?” Now I was just curious, as long as he’s alive, I don’t care about his general welfare.

“Your husband, well your husband has amnesia” he finally revealed.

Is that even possible?? Amnesia?? Why of all people to have amnesia it had to be Barry.

“He has what now?? When will he recover? What does he remember? Are you sure it’s amnesia? What are his chances of…”

“Please calm down. He will definitely recover but I can’t tell when exactly. You just need to help him remember somethings. He only knows his name and nothing else” the doctor answered my questions.

Now I’m stuck with him. How do I get him to sign the divorce papers if he doesn’t remember anything?? Why must everything that happens to me be extra. I just wanted to scream out in frustration.

“Can I see him?” I asked the doctor. He gave a sad smile and nodded. A nurse was called in and I was led to the room. The whole time before getting to the room,I held my breath. I had to control my anger and not throttle him on sight. I had to stay calm enough to get his hair and run.

The nurse opened the door quietly and stepped aside for me to step in first. I breathed out and step inside. I thought he was going to be hooked up to countless wires, his legs broken beyond repair and everything on his body destroyed but that was not the case. His head was bandaged up though but nothing looked out of the ordinary except his swollen face. I almost pitied the bast*rd.

“I’ll be down the hall if you need anything” the nurse said and left closing the door behind her.

I had no time to dilly-dally, I quickly brought out the scissors from my purse and got closer to cut what I needed. The bandage on his head really obstructed my work and I had to push the bandage up to snip some strands poking out.

“What are you doing?”

I looked down connecting my eyes with that of a confused amnesiac. I slowly cut of some hair not breaking eye contact before I moved away from him.

“Why did you cut my hair? What are you going to do with it?” He asked worriedly.

I could not say anything. I just stared at him, he looked so pitiable. The genuine confusion in his eyes and his swollen face, he almost looked like a frightened child.

If I didn’t know the evil he was capable of I would have pitied him. The man had no heart now here he was completely at my mercy.

“Do you know me?” He asked again. Now he looked hopeful. I still didn’t say anything, I just kept looking him. All I wanted to do was cause him more pain, hit him with my purse, stab him with my scissors, even suffocate him with a pillow. As long as he felt like dying.

“Who are you and what were you doing to me? He snapped. Even with amnesia he still had a stinking attitude.

I snapped out of my momentary homicidal thoughts and walked out. Barry kept calling after me but I didn’t turn back, my mama didn’t name me “Hey”.

I went straight to the reception to make enquiries about doing a DNA test from there I was directed to the lab.

I explained to the lab attendant that I wanted a paternity test and I gave her the hairs I cut from Barry. The woman looked at me as if I was crazy.

“We can’t do a DNA test from this, the hair needs to have follicles on it” she informed me before she carefully placed what I gave her in a ziploc bag and returned it to me.

My mission was an absolute failure. How was I supposed to go back into that cursed man’s room?

“Can’t you do it without hair follicles?” I asked in frustration.

“We definitely can’t however we can use a buccal swab or spit, fingernail or blood” she replied.

Well I have access to neither one of those either. How was I supposed to get his blood?I should have listened to my instincts, by now I would have had a generous amount of it on my scissors.

I thanked the lab attendant and left. I had to come up with a plan to get samples. My mom will definitely help, that woman is a genius and her plans always work.

I drove home to meet my mom and my daughter playing Ludo. My mother gave me a stink eye when she noticed me. It’s safe to say she’s still angry.

“Mommy I’m winning” My baby exclaimed giggling as she made moves on the ludo board. My mom smiled a bit but a scowl appeared as we made eye contact again.

“Have you eaten?” I asked no one in particular, I just threw the question out there.

“Grandma made spaghetti”

My petty mom obviously refused to eat my food. I rolled my eyes at her and went into the kitchen to eat. I warmed the food I cooked for her so I could eat. Mariana was oblivious to the tension between my mom and I and i wanted it to stay that way. Whether my mom likes it or not, when Mariana goes to bed, she must talk to me.